Today, while my fiancé was looking after our son, I told him, "I decided to get rid of my music page, and turn it into a lifestyle blog..." He looked at me, and asked me "how do you feel about that?". As my eyes watered , I walked downstairs, and found myself bursting into tears.
I thought to myself, "Did motherhood deprive me of everything I once loved? Did my identiy disappear? Am I really saying goodbye to being an artist?"As I wiped my tears away, I sat down at the computer, and started to make the changes. Then I thought to myself... "no, motherhood has only made me evolve, it has changed me, but I am still allowed to do the things I love, be who I was, and more. This is why I'm going to write about trying to balance motherhood, my identity and my life".
I think a lot of mothers out there, especially new moms in their first year of motherhood insitinctively sacrifice their bodies, their souls and their sanity to birth a pure little human. During that time, we undoubtedly lose a part of our former selves. When that does happen, it is heartbreaking to some, and others like myself, go through Post Partum Depression.
My PPD lasted only three months, because I told myself, there is no way I'm going to let myself lose out on the things I love, and there's no way I'm going to stop taking care of myself. I've done it once before, in relationships, and I always made it a value of mine not to do that again. Honestly, that mantra kept my spirits up and made me a better mom and partner, but that's a whole other journal. I've also let myself know that it is okay to feel the way I feel, and to not harbour my emotions inside. Acceptance, of all that has come to me gave me a sense of peace.
As I embark on a new journey, that of motherhood, and soon to be wife, I embrace all of the changes, and am grateful for my blessings.
I want my journal entries to be as real as possible, and not romanticized, or sugar-coated. I've always been real about my feelings, and experiences, so that's what you can expect.
And yes, it is completely okay to not be a perfect mother, or a perfect person. Social Media tends to deceive us of all real life... never forget that.